Dear Canyon and Sawyer

Dear boys, What a week we have had! Yesterday was a day for me that had me asking God for forgiveness. Why? After 3 days of watching you throw up, coughing to the point of gagging, crying out in pain and not wanting to be held or comforted, I found myself feeling mad, mad because I was helpless, mad because I wasn't able to comfort you, mad that you were having to go through it. I found myself being inconvenienced by the endless hours of laundry, the continuous routine of cleaning you up only to clean you up again, the sheets again, the towels again, and the worst of all, the car seat...oh the dreaded car seat cleaning. God, please forgive me for those moments of non compassion. Then it was my turn yesterday. All day long I felt your pains, your aches and know why you would cry out saying your back hurt and the endless hours of you crying out "ouch" mom. I felt every bit of it, taking over my body, and feeling so helpless, wondering how I was going to make it through the day. When you would crawl up in bed with me and try to play with me, your touch was oh so painful, my body ached so bad that touching it was miserable...I now understand why mom trying to comfort you was not comfort, but pain. I spent the day wondering how I would take care of two energetic boys that just wanted mom to "get up" and play. If only you knew how much that broke my heart. It all makes sense to me and all I can say now is Thank YOU GOD that it was only 1 day, that it was "just" laundry. Thank you for my boys being independent yesterday and for the few times I could painfully get out of bed to leave drinks and sandwiches on the table for the boys to eat when they were hungry. For my husband who was able to come home for a few minutes to bring me broth and make me tea that I was able to get down. Thank you for giving me the strength to change a poopy diaper that I spent 30 minutes trying to decide which was worse, the pain I would feel changing it, or the smell that was about to make me throw up. Oh I would do it all over again but this time with more compassion. I love you boys SO much and now we can just pray that daddy doesn't get it. I can't wait to take you to the park, to get OUT of this house we have been trapped in all week. Love, mommy